Before going out with your friends for a night at Rubix, beware… We’ve piled up some people you might want to avoid.

Rugby Boys

Rugby boys listen up, no matter how much irony is intended in sentences you utter with the words “banter”, “chunder” and “bevs” – it will never be ironic coming from you. Yes ladies, if you thought the sheer immaturity of boys ended at sixth form the ‘rugby boiz’ here are insidious proofs that it is never ending. They somehow deteriorate the “men in suits” trend with their weekly show in shirts, and trousers (although, props to keeping some tradition intact in our university life). They are here to provide a service if you are in the market for a one night stand, or want to hear near death anecdotes over their dirty pints.

Not much I can say, except you were cool in 2000 something then again in 2012 when scandals surrounding your lad culture hit. It’s done, we’re over it. Moving on.

The Inseparable Flat

They will be bundled together on the sticky Rubix dancefloor somewhere dancing together, bursting with enough love triangles, bitter rivalries and awkward incestuous flat situations – enough to make any reality show producer wet. Made In Chelsea? No mate, I closely follow their flat stories and how x slept with y, but x goes out with his home girlfriend who came to visit and got hit on by z who also slept with y or how x’s milk is always being taken by z so x is being intentionally noisy to piss off z. Despite all this, they love each other, and then get drunk at Rubix and a foreseeable beef occurs with harsh exchanges and teary flatmates walking off or dancing with on a flatmate they should not be dancing on.

Please never end.

Weird Themed Bar Crawl

Ever kept finding that one person on the dancefloor dressed as a tennis player, or a cowboy then another at the bar then three in the toilet and you start to sense a pattern emerging? Yes, there’s been a themed bar crawl pre-Rubix by some society. They will be together throughout the whole entire bar path, but somehow will distribute and immerse themselves as they get to Rubix. This leaves the rest of us Rubix-ers confused and tasked with finding out what the actual theme was.

Edgy Kidz in the Smoking Area

They sit camped in the smoking area engulfed in Urban Outfitters garms and thrift store vintage Adidas sulking over when the next Presha is. Will do go inside? Absolutely can’t make them, because even remotely enjoying any other music than the bass-y tunes deeply embedded somewhere in Soundcloud will hurt their wavey soul. If you ask them where they are from, you are expecting “South London” or “Islington” because of their attire, but they will probably reply with a location that ends in ‘shire’ or is suburban. Now, some of their parents make enough money for them to afford straight cigarettes, but obviously smoking rollies deems some sort of an edge. I hate to break this to you, however, you show as much edge as a regular circle.

Just Your Average International Students Who Are Secret Millionaires

They vape, have immaculate “fresh” trims and they don’t have to take out a second loan to afford double shot drinks at Rubix – that is all you need to know about them.

Oh, also walk around campus in Adidas slippers with socks and skinny trackies.

Overly Dressed Girls

They are going to see a DJ who’s playlist is predominately based on his Twitter request, yet they are dressed like they are about to be photographed by an army of paparazzi as you enter The Oscars (#prayforLeo #yayforLeo). The girls that are dressed as page 2 of the dress (or bralet) section of; this one is for you. Soldering on in heels and fake lashes till 12am, but beyond that we witness Bambi walking after birth as they are too intoxicated to function.

Is that a squeal I hear on the dancefloor? Did DJ Leroy put on your song??!??!1? Did DJ Leroy put that on that Disney song you “ironically” pre’d to with your girls and now it’s on and you’re singing along?!??!1?

They are located, and often entirely takeover and block, the passageway of the stairs just above Hari’s bar – where you can see the dancefloor with the booths. They are there skanking, and lurking.

Photo Hoggers

For whatever reason; want to document their douchebag animal onesie, a bunch of ladsladslads wearing a dress, pose and do a dab or want to photograph their flat together or want to photobomb, these people are on a relentless mission to get a photograph from the club photographers. Is it an achievement to be on the student union Facebook page?

My question to you; y doe?


Text by an anonymous writer

Featured image from Citrus.