Disclaimer: the text below was the result of an unproductive wasteman conversation that occurred on copious amounts of white wine. A lot of wine was consumed. Please don’t be offended and I will love u all 4 lyf.


You’re a Surrey student. You probably take your sport too seriously. You’re DJ Leroy’s daughter.

You’re on a bar crawl and you’ve ended up there. 2 more jaeger bombs and you will find yourself on that pole they have. You can’t not be on a bar crawl and be at Popworld – does that exist?

You’re saving money. It’s the start of a bar crawl. It’s MNG and you’re pretty tragic or mid-terms are over and you want to be out every night. You’re feeling pitchers with the local moms with their girlfriends, or local kids who just turned 18 and think they’re k00l to be found there.

You’re a ghost because it’s closed. RIP vinyl (that Sclub event, 2016 – 2016).

You have money. Or you’ve come before 10pm. A Made In Chelsea star is there.

You’re from London. There’s a grime artist there. You like places with sticky floors (note: also true for Rubix). You’re not on a bar crawl.

You know nothing about tech house or bass but you’re pretending to be excited about the line up – it’s okay 99% of the people there are the same. You’re lost and thought it was Citrus? You own a Nike cap. You bought a vintage Reebok jumper on eBay and want to show it off. You keep hearing “Guildford nightlife is shit” and how Bristol/Brighton/London is better and how they’re all better than you and your entire existence.

Funk Soul:
You know nothing about funk or soul or disco. You’re just there. You bought an in-house vintage shirt to show you belong. You probably won’t wear it again. You know one Sister Sledge track or recognise a Fleetwood Mac track and you’re proud of yourself – Stevie Nicks is crying somewhere.


Text by an anonymous writer

Picture research by Jonathan W. Espiritu; featured image by Damien Thompson on http://timeout.com.